


Teacher's Pet

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Teachers, Awesome James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky is A Gift, Gym Teacher!Bucky, Humor, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kindergarten Teacher!Tony, M/M, Random & Short, Rhodey Is a Good Bro, Tony Being Tony, Tony is good with kids ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-15 08:54:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10553564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: Bucky isn’t sure what he was expecting out of his new job as a gym teacher given that this was a new career but he hardly expected Tony. He had heard about him by lunchtime of course, the grade eight girls seemed to find him attractive but it wasn’t like he paid attention to children’s gossip. Then he met the guy and reconsidered his stance on taking kids seriously when it came to talking about hot guys.





	

Tony looks over the bathroom walls and down to the two small boys covered in literal poop. “Colin, Jason, _explain_ ,” he says in what he’s dubbed his Teacher’s VoiceTM.

Colin and Jason at least have enough of a conscience to look sheepish about their playing in each other’s shit, unlike this one kid Tony had a few years back who looked him dead in the eye and continued wiping crap all over the walls. To say it was a shitty day was an understatement.

“We got bored?” Colin says eventually, when it becomes clear that Tony was actually waiting for a response.

“You got bored and so you decided to play in each other’s fecal matter?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

They shrug, “I guess,” Jason says.

Tony resists the urge to roll his eyes at them. “When you’re bored you _don’t_ play in the bathroom and you _definitely_ don’t play in fecal matter! Now go wash your hands and when the janitor finishes cleaning up this mess both of you owe him an apology,” he says, hoping it was Bruce on duty instead of Natasha. Everyone joked about Bruce’s really bad temper but Tony has seen no evidence for it and he’s _tried_ to piss the guy off. His temper was legendary among the students, hence Colin and Jason looking very white all of the sudden, but try as Tony might he’s never managed to see why Bruce earned his reputation. The kids say he’s done as little as yell a kid into crying and as much as throwing twenty projectors across the baseball field.

The second one was obviously fake but still, Tony wanted to see what the fuss was about. Natasha, on the other hand, _she_ was the one who should have a reputation but Tony got the feeling she was so scary that the students treated her like Fight Club and just didn’t talk about it. Still, unless it was Clint on duty than the kiddos were bound to be terrified into never wiping their shit on the walls again, thank god. Colin and Jason do the Hand Wash of Shame, something Tony only knew existed now thanks to them, and retreat back into the classroom and Tony goes off to find the janitor. His class was in decent hands with Pepper, who was obviously deeply uninterested in children, but very invested in looking good to potential colleges. Volunteering in a kindergarten classroom was wholesome and the kind of thing admissions liked, and she was freakishly organized so Tony was _not_ going to be happy to see her go.

When he finally locates the janitor it’s Clint, lucky for Colin and Jason, and he explains the situation to him in sign. Clint looks disgusted and sets off to clean the bathroom while Tony signs a few apologies that Clint obviously doesn’t believe. Tony can’t blame the guy.

Pepper raises an eyebrow when he returns and relaxes, clearly happy that he was back to deal with thirty five year olds all looking for copious amounts of attention. “What took so long?” she asks, eying Colin and Jason.

“Yeah, don’t let them touch you. I caught them playing in their own shit so I had to go get Clint, the poor bastard,” he says in a low enough voice that none of the kids could hear. They all zone in on him too, sensing that he said something they all wanted to hear but he distracts them with a story. Kindergarteners _loved_ stories and Tony loved not having to repeat adult conversations in kid terms. Plus the wonder in the kids’ eyes was all kinds of adorable as they waited for what happened next, even if they could all listen to the ‘don’t be a dick’ lessons kids stories taught just a little better.

*

Rhodey gives him a _look_ , the one he got when anything involving kids and fecal matter came up. “I don’t know how you do it, man. I don’t think I could do the ankle biters,” he says for probably the millionth time since they’ve met.

“To be fair grade sixes are like my worst nightmare,” Tony says honestly. Sometimes he’d teach classes for the older grades for a day or two as a substitute but _ugh_ , older kids stopped being fun and started being a bunch of twats.

“You know what, I love my grade sixes. They don’t poop and that is just optimal for me. Oh! But seems how we’re sharing stories did I tell you what happened to me the other day?” Rhodey asks and Tony shakes his head, knowing a story was about to come. Rhodey didn’t gossip- he’d listen to all the gossip, but he didn’t gossip. That meant this was going to be _good_.

Rhodey takes a deep breath, “prepare yourself, Stark, because this is some _shit_ okay?” he says and Tony frowns, wondering what the hell could have happened that he hadn’t heard about yet. “Alright so the other day I’m teaching math like normal and hating myself when Katie inevitably asks something stupid, but you know, better than Justin asking questions again. You know what happened last time. So I’m trying to explain to Katie what’s going on and I hear a little shuffle in the back of the room but I think nothing of it. It’s math, the students always get a little restless unless they’re freaks like you and like math. Then, _then_ David yells out ‘masturbator!’ and I think he’s pulling one over on me and nope; Jimmy’s got his dick out. So I’m like ‘Jimmy, put your damn dick away, I’m trying to teach math here!’ because I don’t know what else to do. Anyways I felt it was time to tell you because this time he whipped it out in science and now I have to call home,” he says, sounding annoyed.

Tony bursts out laughing, equal parts horrified and amused as Rhodey glares at him, obviously not happy with this. “Oh my god, I might have to deal with poop but you definitely got the short end of the stick!” he says, managing to get the sentence out between his laughing fits.

“It was not funny, Stark. I have to explain to his mother _why_ , exactly, I’m calling home and it is not going to be a fun conversation,” he says. “I also had to explain what a sex crime is to a twelve year old boy and why he should _not_ be doing that in public.”

“Oh please, Rhodes, don’t act all prim. We’ve all heard the stories about the handicap bathroom,” he says jokingly.

“The handicap bathroom that’s on the second floor that _no one_ with a disability was involved in designing? I can assure you I would not have put it on the second floor,” he says. In their slight defense when Rhodey got hired on and pointed out the absurdity of a handicap bathroom on the _second_ floor of the building they did eventually make the decision to remodel. The problem was that Rhodey got stuck using that one until the remodel was complete.

“But you’ve heard the rumors,” Tony says, gently shoving Rhodey’s shoulder.

“Yes, I have heard the bizarrely sexual rumors about that bathroom that should not exist in a grade school. Especially not in my bathroom,” Rhodey says, wrinkling his nose.

“True. Honestly kids are getting creative though, Andy Cohen got nicknamed Handy Hoen last year.” His kids? Far less creative. ‘Stupidhead’ was probably the most common insult, but Cindy’s very inspired ‘dirty yellow marker’ was something he was keeping because that was genuinely funny. He hadn’t been able to keep from laughing at that one and it had been a real bitch to explain to the kids that funny didn’t equal okay, and that they shouldn’t call people dirty yellow markers. He had ended up giving up and leaving it to Pepper because he couldn’t keep from laughing and she managed with a straight face.

“You didn’t encourage that, did you?” Rhodey asks, obviously having no faith at all in Tony.

“Of course not, I said it was creative, not something to encourage. I did laugh a little though, but not in front of the kids. Laughter is like permission to repeat the thing like five hundred times, or so excessive time with five year olds tells me.” He loved all his children but _god_ they could be annoying. Adults weren’t much better if his interactions with Justin Hammer were any indication though.

“Like I said, I don’t think I could do the ankle biters,” Rhodey says.

“Well, in their defense they’d have to chew through the chair first,” Tony says, dodging a swat from Rhodey and laughing.

*

Bucky isn’t sure what he was expecting out of his new job as a gym teacher given that this was a new career but he hardly expected Tony. He had heard about him by lunchtime of course, the grade eight girls seemed to find him attractive but it wasn’t like he paid attention to children’s gossip. Then he met the guy and reconsidered his stance on taking kids seriously when it came to talking about hot guys.

“Watch out for Colin and Jason. If they ask to go to the bathroom make sure they’re back in five minutes or they’ve gotten into some shit, literally,” Tony tells him in a hushed tone.

He looks over to the two offending children, “ew.”

“Yeah, trust me its way worse in person. Other than that they should be fine but if they’re running hog wild just throw ‘em back on the lawn, they know that’s where they’re supposed to stay they just get adventurous sometimes. I’m thinking of reading them Alice in Wonderland so they know if they go down rabbit holes they might have to put up with getting high with an asshole caterpillar,” he says in a totally serious tone. Bucky starts laughing and only then does Tony seem to clue in to his own joke. The fact that he was dead serious about the lesson of Alice in Wonderland was even better.

“‘Scuse me, why do you only have one arm?” one of the children asks, interrupting the conversation and looking curious. Tony looks suddenly uncomfortable but Bucky was plenty used to it by now.

“It fell off,” he says because it was the simplest explanation he could give to a five year old.

The kid’s eyes get large, “mine won’t do that, will they?” he asks, looking upset.

“Probably not,” Bucky assures him.

The kid tilts his head to the side quizzically, “but _why_ did your arm fall off?”

“He got hit by an asteroid,” Tony tells him and the kid’s eyes basically triple in size.

“ _Cool_!” he says excitedly, running back to explain this to his classmates.

“Thanks for that,” Bucky says, not entirely sure he means it.

“Yeah, have fun explaining how to survive being hit by an asteroid to several overly enthusiastic children who have laser-like focus but only when convenient for them. Oh, and Parker has ADD so he gets a little squirrely sometimes but just let him run it off and he’ll be okay,” Tony says, grinning at him and leaving him with a class of thirty overly curious tiny humans who do indeed have laser-like focus but not on the class.

When Tony returns Bucky tells them that Tony knows all about space and maybe they should ask _him_ questions about asteroids. To his intense surprise Tony starts taking questions with grace, and more than that his answers suggest a pretty deep knowledge of the subject. More than what Bucky would expect out of the average kindergarten teacher anyways, but the kids were happy as they all lined up and grabbed a rope that kept them all organized as they walked down the hall. Later Bucky learns that this was implemented after Colin and Jason had another bathroom adventure and Tony noticed they were missing too late.

*

Rhodey didn’t know what the hell to do with a twelve year old girl bawling her eyes out after getting dumped and it showed so Tony goes to save his ass. “What’s wrong, Jessica?” he asks even though he already knew.

She gives him an answer he barely understands that includes a mention of Clay Adkins and he frowns. “You Clay Adkins? Isn’t that the kid that got nicknamed ‘shower shitter’ earlier this year?” he asks and she nods. “Well Jessica, seems to me he did you a favor because no one really wants to date a shower shitter and you’re free to date anyone else with a less heinous nickname. Seriously, that is _not_ a story you’d want to tell at your wedding,” he says.

Jessica stops blubbering for a moment to consider his words, “oh. That’s a good point,” she says and sniffles a little.

“Yeah, so go on, be free. Enjoy being single,” he tells her and off she goes to do just that.

Rhodey frowns at him, “how do you _do_ that?” he asks.

“Do what?” All he did was talk to her a little and boom, she was mostly okay when she left.

“Deal with pre-teen drama. Seriously, she’s _twelve_ Tony, as if Clay Adkins is going to matter to her in ten years. It’s a little difficult to take that kind of thing seriously,” he says.

Tony shrugs, “kids don’t give a shit what matters to them in ten years, Clay Adkins matters _now_ and this is probably the first time the poor girl has been dumped, cut her some slack. You probably cried the first time you got dumped too, even if you were definitely forty when that happened,” Tony says, laughing when Rhodey swats at him. “Besides, Clay Adkins is a little fucker and he’s probably going to grow up to be a drug dealer. I hope she doesn’t tell anyone I called him a shower shitter though…” That could cause a parent problem or ten and in the age of self-righteous parents who didn’t want to take any responsibility for raising little _monsters_ blaming the teacher was always the solution.

“Clay Adkins is the kind of white kid I avoided in grade school, Jessica can definitely do better. She’s a very good science student and thankfully she’s taken to fielding Katie’s stupid questions because she likes explaining things. Still think it’s ridiculous to cry over being dumped at twelve though,” Rhodey says.

“Please, there are things that are far more ridiculous than that. Like how ridiculously hot that new gym teacher is, seriously. You’re at ass level at all times, take advantage because my kids notice when I stare. Cecilia embarrassed the hell out of me the other day by pointing it out very loudly.” Bucky had turned around and turned bright red, another reaction the kids picked up on right away because they noticed all those little details but couldn’t remember ‘first, second, third’ for the life of them.

“That was the worst transition in history, Stark. Just ask the guy out; you know he’d say yes. I’ve never heard of a person turning out down yet,” Rhodey points out. Which was true, Tony did have a pretty fortunate history in _getting_ dates, but not so much in relationships.

“True, but you know I don’t do relationships. It’s all messy and bleh. Besides, you don’t shit where you eat so I am _not_ dating a coworker.” He did that once in his early twenties and when his relationship inevitably hit the fan it hadn’t been pretty. Her botany project nearly blew him up and he was pretty sure she knew that plant wasn’t stable so lesson learned.

“Oh no, no. Shitting where you eat would be screwing your way through all those soccer moms that are hot for teacher,” Rhodey says, laughing when Tony makes a face. _God_ the weird amount of middle-aged women who thought a male kindergarten teacher was hot was equal parts bizarre and creepy. More than one student as asked why their mother acted so weird around him and he was _not_ in the business of trying to explain sexual attraction to a child. He got good at wiggling out of those situations, mostly by using Pepper as a shield and if that didn’t work he avoided explaining things to kids by asking them to do things. Kids _loved_ doing shit for adults if they thought it might make them look more grown up and Tony used it.

“That would also be shitting where I eat yeah. Does anyone else find it weird that people think teaching as an occupation is sexy? Where did all those sexy teacher stereotypes come from because I can assure anyone who asks that working with five year olds is the least sexy job a person can have.” First off there was all the poop, the tantrums, the screaming, kids saying stupid things and being generally cruel, and the absurd amount of dandelions received.

“The same place those sexy librarian stereotypes came from. But you have to admit that Hope van Dyne does kind of live up,” Rhodey says and Tony had to agree there. It was almost fun talking to her because they both knew the other’s secret and had fun tormenting the other with it, and all the science talk of course.

*

Bucky sits down next to Tony in the lunchroom somewhat nervously but he takes the intrusion graciously. “Sorry but I am _not_ sitting beside Ivan Vankov. The guy is like the real life Russian version of Alistair Moody from Harry Potter,” he says, immediately kicking himself for releasing the nerd.

“I don’t know, I sort of pegged him for Karkaroff,” Tony says, leaning around Bucky to look at him.

He huffs out a laugh, “you like Harry Potter?” he asks, somewhat surprised. Tony dressed in suits most of the time, he didn’t seem like the Harry Potter type even if Bucky would never tire of seeing Tony’s ass in those dress pants of his. Or seeing him in those attractive fancy vests with colorful shirts. His wardrobe was fun, though oddly expensive for a teachers salary.

“I teach in a grade school, it would be sacrilegious if I didn’t like Harry Potter,” Tony says.

“There’s a correlation?” He had no idea, but for the most part he was winging it here anyways. He had no idea what the stereotypes were outside of children’s gossip and sometimes that was way too colorful to take seriously. One janitor supposedly broke a kid in half in an angry rage, which is obviously not true so the kids were hardly reliable.

“The kids like Harry Potter,” Tony explains, “the adults learn to love it just as much. Plus it is a good series if you want to read about wizard Nazis. Once I subbed in for a grade four history class and explained the parallels between Nazis and Death Eaters just for the fuck of it. The kids loved it,” he says.

“You do seem to be a favorite for all ages,” Bucky says.

Tony brightens a little, “really?” he asks.

Bucky frowns, “you didn’t know that? You seem to be everyone’s favorite teacher even though you mostly only teach the flesh beans,” he says, not thinking about his words until they were already out an embarrassing him.

“Flesh beans? Is that what you call the kindergartens? Oh my god that’s _way_ better than Rhodey’s boring ‘ankle biters’,” he says, snickering.

“Kindergartens are too tall to be ankle biters, that’s best to describe babies who are starting to crawl. They’re like little human beans, but they haven’t formed in the brain all the way yet so they’re kind of like beans. Flesh beans,” Bucky explains much to Tony’s delight.

Tony’s eyes are bright as he laughs, “well, if it makes you feel better the kids love you. Apparently that asteroid thing made you a favorite and also you let them play on the older kids’ jungle gym. That is the best way to the kindergartens’ heart,” he says.

True, they were fond of the big slide even though at least one of them fell off of it every time they were on it. Kids were surprisingly durable though, he’s watched more than one bounce a couple times, get up, and run it off like nothing ever happened. “I’m happy to please,” he says, smiling.

*

Tony has never been known for his wise choices but agreeing to grab a drink with Bucky that turned into a drunken one night stand was admittedly more stupid than his usual. He’s in the corner store by his apartment wearing the darkest sunglasses he can find when someone calls his name. Lucky him the voice isn’t small and high pitched so it wasn’t one of the kids at least, but turning to find Pepper there was hardly better.

“Fun night, Mr. Stark?” she asks, smiling knowingly.

“Not really worth the morning after,” he mumbles, cringing at the sound of his own voice. Damn, he was no longer young enough that getting drunk off his ass didn’t affect him anymore. For a moment he wishes for Pepper’s youth and exuberance considering he damn well knew she was hung over too, but she looked like she was fairing far better than him.

“Oh come on, a fun night is always worth the morning after. Here,” she says, handing him some drink, “trust me, it’s the cure to all your problems,” she tells him and she walks off to her friends. Tony wonders if this shit could take back a stupid once night stand with the hot gym teacher.

Pepper ends up being right, whatever the hell was in that bottle cured his hangover within minutes on his way back to his apartment. When he gets back he finds Bucky hopping around trying to get those ridiculous skinny jeans back on his admittedly very awesome ass. He stops when tony walks in and stands there awkwardly with one leg in the jeans and the other sticking straight out with the jeans half up it.

“Drink this, my TA is a life saver and gave it to me. She should get paid for being so helpful,” he says, handing Bucky the bottle. She managed to keep his marking organized too and god help him when she leaves and his entire classroom descends into pre-Pepper chaos.

“Oh. Um, thanks?” Bucky says, taking the bottle and frowning at it a little.

“I went to go get gingerale to deal with the hangover and she was there. Seriously, everyone should have a Pepper Potts in their life.” He was going to miss his when she graduated and inevitably got into all her top choices and went off to do better things.

Bucky drinks the liquid and sighs, “look, if you want me to go I can…” he says somewhat awkwardly.

Lovely, so his standoffish attitude was noticeable then. For a moment he thinks about things before he decides fuck it, it isn’t like this could get worse for him. He already shit where he ate. “Look, I don’t tend to do the relationship thing. They always get all fucked up because I’m an emotionally stunted ass with more problems than a math test. Trust me, you leaving would probably save you a lot of trouble in the long run,” he says bluntly.

Bucky laughs harshly, “oh you aren’t the only one with issues. I’m an ex military vet who got a dishonorable discharge after disagreeing with a few commands from the higher ups. And I lost my arm and got PTSD to boot. Took me years to get my shit together enough to leave the house let alone have a real life again. I don’t think your issues could be scarier than a war,” Bucky says in a surprising about of candidness.

“You’ve never had to teach kindergartens all day long. A gym class? That’s easy; it’s the older kids that are more trouble there. But teaching kids how to use computers? Last Friday I had some angry grade eight track me down because one of the kids must have got bored and took a shit under the desk and that poor older kid stepped in it. The poop stories you get out of a kindergarten class are far more frightening than war, trust me, I have experience,” he says.

That draws an eyebrow raise and a laugh out of Bucky, but he asks what Tony means. Tony tells him about that one trip to Afghanistan that either ruined his life or made it better depending on how a person defined success and Bucky tells him about how his dumbass best friend joined the military when he was eighteen so he followed like an idiot to make sure he didn’t die. As it turned out it wasn’t the friend he had to worry about, it was himself but by the time he realized it was too late. Tony knew what that was like- Howard had been pretty pissed when Tony refused to have anything to do with weapons after his trip and eventually disowned him when he didn’t let it go.

His mom kept in contact still, which was why he was able to live so far above his means given that she sent him money regularly. It was her way of trying to make up for everything but for the first time in his life he realized why people said that money couldn’t fix things. There were a lot of things money was good for, but trying to repair emotional damage wasn’t one of them.

“Jesus. I lost a lot but you lost more,” Bucky says, shaking his head.

“No, I didn’t. I never had a father to lose, not really. I lost a life of privilege, at least on the scale that I had it but I doubt I would have been happy living that life anyways. I still invent on the side, sell my designs. I love my job, and I’m happy where I am in life now. That’s more than what I could say then,” he says. When he was a kid… well he couldn’t even _remember_ a time before his father disowned him when he wasn’t suicidal. It was so weird because being disowned has been so… _relieving_ in a way. He went off and went through schooling to be a teacher and here he was, teaching small children about simple math, coins, and how to read. It wasn’t glamorous but he loved it all the same.

“I don’t know if I could walk away from all of that,” Bucky says, looking as surprised as anyone else Tony told this story to did. Most no longer connected ‘Tony Stark’ to Howard Stark, not after so many years, but when the connection was made or when he told someone they always had the same reaction.

“Anyone would have walked away after what I saw,” Tony says. He had to, those weapons were a menace and it was horrible to profit off of war. He didn’t get it until he saw it and that had shaken him so much more than seeing the damage he helped cause. There never should have been a time where he should have every thought making money off war was okay.

Bucky lets out a soft laugh, “you think to highly of people. Good people would have walked away from your life after seeing what war looks like. Most people aren’t good, certainly not that good. Trust me, that’s something I have experience in,” Bucky says, sounding jaded. Tony wants to disagree, most people were good, they just did bad things sometimes but this wasn’t the time for a philosophical debate.

Instead he changes the subject and he has a surprisingly good day with Bucky that stretches into a weekend that somehow stretches into an actual relationship.

*

“Is that… normal?” Carter asks, squinting at Tony when he and the rest of the class finally catch wind of his relationship with Bucky. Only one kid gives him a weird look but Tony happened to know she had a gay aunt, she already knew this was a normal thing.

“Carter, your favorite game is playing cats. Pretending to be another species is way weirder than a guy dating a guy,” he tells him. After a beat of silence he sighs, “yes, that’s normal,” he says, answering the question in a more straightforward way and they all nod, understanding easily now. “No go clean up those dinosaurs,” he tells them, shooing them all back to their regular activities.

“Solid argument,” Pepper says, smiling at him.

“Kids are so weird. They make up entire worlds in their heads and share them with their friends but they find a same sex couple weird. They need to get their priorities straight,” Tony says.

“Actually they need to get them gay,” Pepper jokes and Tony snorts, laughing at the joke. “You handled that pretty well, I don’t know what I would have done.”

“Pepper, I love you dearly, but your terrible with kids. Please don’ have any,” he says.

Pepper sighs and nods, clearly agreeing. “See, I’m glad you get this because _no one_ else seems to think I am as bad with kids as I say I am. But I’m just… not good at this,” she says, “I like things organized and you don’t get any more disorganized than kids.”

“Pep, the first time a child spoke to you in this class you looked ready to bolt. I don’t know who told you that you’re not that bad with kids but they need to see a doctor because their sensory faculties aren’t working quite right,” Tony says. Pepper laughs at that, thankfully not taking offense because it was true. She was extremely helpful, just not with the kids.

*

“How goes Jimmy the Masturbator?” Tony asks Rhodey, who gives him a _look_.

“Jimmy the _who_?” Bucky asks, looking horrified.

“Do not speak to be about Jimmy. That kid is dead to me after he leaves my class. I can _see under the desks_ at my height! Anyways, after call four home I finally have a meeting with the parents so I am hoping to solve this issue,” Rhodey says.

“There are children… who… who… do _that_ in class?” Bucky asks, still looking horrified.

“Look Bucko, when you’re a teacher long enough nothing surprises you,” Rhodey tells him.

“You haven’t taught until you hear a bestiality rumor,” Tony says and Rhodey groans.

“I’m sorry, _what_? That’s fake. That _has_ to be fake,” Bucky says.

“Nope. Last years bestiality rumor went to Kevin, AKA Four Tits because it was also rumored that he had four tits,” Tony tells him, grinning at Bucky’s being shocked and appalled.

“Lesson number one in teaching- weird shit happens. I had one child do a project on why cat hair was so soft once,” Rhodey says.

“I had a student explain to me in great detail why unicorns are real,” Tony adds.

“You teach kindergartens, obviously they think unicorns are real,” Bucky tells him, shaking his head.

“Plot twist- that student was in grade six and eleven year olds definitely know unicorns are fake,” Tony says, earning a laugh from Rhodey, who has also heard the story. There was always a Cat PersonTM, a Horse PersonTM, occasionally a Wolf PersonTM, but this guy was a certified Unicorn PersonTM. Tony hasn’t seen the likes of it since and he sometimes wondered where Unicorn Boy ended up. That kid god damn _loved_ unicorns.

Bucky looks confused, “the weirdest thing I’ve had happen was a couple of kids offering me banana bread,” he says, frowning.

“You didn’t eat that, did you?” Rhodey asks, suddenly getting very serious.

“Is… there something wrong with it?” Bucky asks sheepishly.

“Wait, wait. _Who_ gave it to you?” Tony asks.

“Dylan. The kid with the leg braces,” he clarifies when Tony and Rhodey frown at him. There were like seven Dylans in Tony’s class alone.

“Oh well then don’t worry about it, Dylan is cool. Don’t take things from the other kids though, you don’t know what they did to it,” Rhodey tells him, “take it from experience.”

“Oh, and accept all dandelion offers graciously. The kids are just trying to be nice, but _do not_ let them pick flowers out of the garden out front,” Tony warns. It’s happened to him more than once.

Bucky frowns, “I feel like I should have gotten to know teachers sooner,” he says.

“Probably. But we’ll keep you if you can give us all the gym gossip, there’s got to be some juicy stuff there,” Rhodey says, earning a weird look from Bucky. “What? Children’s gossip is interesting, okay? Let a guy live.”

Bucky shrugs, “Judy got her period and the girls pulled a Carrie on her so I told them all to read the book. Lacy took me up on it and she’d convinced all the grade sixes that Judy is secretly a telepathic psychopath but that’s all I’ve got. Oh, and Dave thinks he’s a dog,” Bucky tells Tony specifically.

“Yeah, I knew that already. The parents assure me it’s just a phase but I think Dave makes a great dog and I told him to live his dreams. Better yet he told me he wanted to be a dog so he didn’t have to have adult responsibilities. I’m pretty sure this has something to do with Pepper telling him there is no recess when you get to high school and math has complicated names like trigonometry. She scarred the little buggars for life,” Tony tells them. He personally laughed his ass off at the horrified looks on this kids faces and Pepper clearly found her calling because she now dropped little nuggets of information onto the kids, like having four hours of homework every night and that was when she was lucky. Usually it was six.

Now scarring the kids was her thing and Tony was always pleased to see the looks on their faces when they realized that they shouldn’t squander their nap time that they technically weren’t supposed to get anymore. He called it quiet time but if they slept who was he to judge? They were technically fulfilling their duties in remaining quiet with the exception of Tyler, who was a sleep talker. But he talked about hot dogs and his purple spotted dog so Tony was cool with it.

“ _That’s_ why my class is so scared of Judy! Guess I have to give them another lesson in being gullible. The last time this happened Candice convinced them all they’d die at seventeen and turn into zombie adults. I mean technically she was right but I wasn’t going to tell them that,” Rhodey says.

Bucky sighs, “I didn’t really know what I wanted out of this job but I’m happy with what I’ve got,” he says.

“You better be,” Tony tells him, “because I am a fucking _delight_ ,” he says completely unironically.


End file.
